BFH Blog

Often, we hear people say, “I don’t care what you do with my body, you can just put me in a cardboard box and throw me..”, their list of places to be thrown being a long one.

My response, with no disrespect intended, is usually, “It’s not about you”. Funerals, while in honor of the deceased, are not really about the deceased. They’re about the rest of us that were left behind and how we are supposed to deal with the hole left by someone’s death. One of the early stages is affirming the fact that the death happened, and the funeral can be a very important part of the affirmation.

I’d like people to consider what the rest of us would think if the decedent’s casual comments were taken to heart. Can you imagine going to a funeral and seeing someone you cared a great deal about lying there in a cardboard box? And after no eulogy or any other recognition of the impact they had on yours and others lives, simply going out on a country road and throwing them in a field? Most of us wouldn’t do that to a dog or cat, so why would any of us consider doing that to someone we loved.

There is nothing wrong with a simple ceremony, be it a funeral, memorial service or something else. But something is needed for those that remain.

The next time the subject of funerals comes up, keep in mind, “It’s not about you”.

One of the most misunderstood aspects of funeral services seems to be the procession to the cemetery.  Not only for those in the procession, but for those that meet it in traffic.

Some suggestions:

• Always turn your headlights on - that lets others know that you are part of the procession.
• Keep up.  Gaps in the line can allow other drivers to cut in line which can lead to the procession getting separated.  Only those cars being led by a law enforcement officer are allowed to bend traffic rules to remain in line (like disregarding STOP signs and red lights).  Once separated, the others cars can be severly delayed.
• Make your decision about whether to drive to the cemetery of not before you get to the service.  Insertions and removals are a pain and cause delays.
• If you are part of the family that has been included in the list of cars at the front of the line, PLEASE show up early to assure yourself of those spots.  We actually had a young man that was supposed to be third in line show up 10 minutes after the services started and then gave our parking lot attendant grief about not being up front.
• This is for the under-30 crowd: Turn your music down so that you are the only one that hears it.  The rest of us can live without it for a few minutes and it shows a little respect.
• When you meet a procession, pull over to the side and stop.  Even long processions only last a minute or so.  Again, this is a sign of respect.

I hope I don’t sound like an old fogey, but these things are important to make the funeral go smoothly.

I’ll step off my soap box now……….thank you for your attention.

-BN-

What do I say at calling hours or a funeral for a baby or a child? It can be awkward, going in for calling hours and seeing a family who lost a little one. Your presence shows that you care enough to come to see them. Sending a card says “I’m thinking about you”.

We’ve all accidentally put our foot in our mouth with out meaning to. Sometimes what is said is interpreted another way by the listener. I share this unique example. A college classmate of mine lost her baby before he was born. During the calling hours a lady from her church told her that it was for the best, because her son probally would have grown up to be an ax murderer. Now this lady’s intention was to lessen my classmate’s pain at her loss, not to be cruel. Avoid comments that minimize the loss. A loss is a loss, no matter if a miscarraige, death of a baby or child. The experience of each of these is unique but all are losses, and none is more significant than another. Statements that emphasize “getting over it” do the same in lessening the significance of the loss. No one gets over a loss like this. The loss is accepted and the family heals emotionally at their own pace.

I compiled this list out of one of my old college texts, “Death and Dying, Life and Living” and am posting it here:
What to avoid saying
-You have to be strong for everyone
-You’ll get over this
-You need to keep busy
-You need to forget about him or her (refering to the deceased child or infant)
-You can always have another baby
-You still have your other children
-It’s for the best or It’s God’s will (this second one can be a very touchy subject-therefore on this list)
-There was something wrong with the baby/child
-God took your child/baby because he needed another angel in heaven
-You didn’t have the baby/child around that long
-It’s not like you ever knew him or her (In the case of a stillborn or miscarraige)
-I know exactly how you feel
-You should be over it by now

What do you say?
-I’m sorry for your loss
-I can’t imagine what you’re going through
-Share a special memory about the deceased (if there is one)
-We’ll all miss him or her
-He or she was a fighter (if applicable)
-Only offer help if you can actually follow through
-being there to listening says volumes
-Now if you’ve experienced a similar loss as the family, then you can actually say you understand what they’re feeling. Each person’s experience with loss is unique.

There are other statements of what to say and not to say. This is just a short list.

AB

Recent events have prompted me to write this entry about talking to children about death. the information I’m sharing came from “Death and Dying, Life and Living” by Corr, Nabe and Corr; “Understanding Death, Dying and Bereavement” by Leming and Dickinson; and “Death Mourning and Caring” by Marrone

Even to adults, some deaths can be very shocking and difficult to understand. Children too find it hard to grasp this concept and turn to trusted adults to explain it and how to deal with it. It’s better to be upfront about death and dying than try to shield a child from these painful parts of life.

The maturity level of the child will effect the child’s abilty to understand death and dying and will be reflected in the questions the child asks. When the questions are answered honestly and gently, this can be valuable experience for the child and help him or her grow mentally. Sometimes children will as the same questions repeatedly. The responses to those same questions should be consistant and handled with patience. Remember, children have short attention spans so the answers may need to be simple. If the child wants to know more, they’ll ask. There will be questions that even as an adult, we may not have the answer to, and there’s nothing wrong with saying “I don’t know” in response.

How to explain death to a child:
-It’s important to avoid euphamisms. Avoid saying the deceased went to sleep, or passed away or went home to heaven. These kind of phrases can be confusing to a young child and may cause fear of going to bed or may give the impression that death is not permanant. It’s also good to avoid saying “God took the person” or “Jesus took the person to heaven”, again this can be upsetting and affect the child’s faith in a negative way.
-The permanence of death needs to be emphasized.
-Let the child know the person didn’t die because the person did something bad. The person didn’t die because of something the child did or didn’t do. The person died because their body wore out and they stopped breathing; or the person got very sick and the doctors couldn’t help the person; or the person was hurt in a bad accident and the doctors couldn’t save the person; depending on the circumstances.
-Talking about death can be a golden time for the parents to share their faith, whatever their religious beliefs might be, with their child and could show the child why those religious beliefs are important. A reminder, hearing conflicting religious beliefs from adults can be confusing to younger children and religion is a very personal subject. If the family knows a clergy person, he or she may be helpful in the discussion.
-The hardest questions to deal with can be questions about children dying. Again it’s important to be honest, because sadly it can happen. The same reminders above apply.
-A traumatic death such as a suicide or homicide is the hardest to deal with. How to handle this is a decision the parents should make. If necessary, a clergy person or a counselor may be needed.

It’s good to give the child a choice to participate in any funeral or memorial ritual for the deceased if the child is mature enough to make that choice. The family should explain what is going to happen, what to expect and why we are doing this. It’s also important to let the child know what is expected of him or her.

Children will also experience a wide variety of emotions from anger, sadness, guilt and numbness to identify a few. They’ll take their cues about what emotions to express and how to express them from adult family members. There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to express emotion, such as crying being appropriate and throwing a temper tantrum as an inappropriate way. Being told it’s ok to cry in response to a death of a loved family member or friend or even a pet is a healthy way to deal with the sadness and grief.
Remember, be patient with a grieving child.

AB

For some reason, I’ve had an urge to reconnect with old friends lately.  I’ve called several friends with whom I’ve lost contact and met to catch up on old times and how things have been since I last saw them.  I also stopped to see my former co-workers at Embarq in Mansfield, although I was a little late getting there and some had left for the day.

This may seem trivial to some but for me it’s been very therapeutic.  I’ve always been a very social person, so my friends were many and varied.  It’s fun to see them again, get a hug or a slap on the back and to see the happiness in their face - a happiness that is reciprocated from me.

Contacting old acquaintences isn’t always what you expect.  One in particular left me extremely upset with myself.

I have a limited-production motorcycle, a Kawasaki Drifter, the likes of which I’ve seen around Richland county sparingly to say the least.  I found a web site that was dedicated to motorcycles like mine and a community of owners who, like me, wanted to talk with other Drifter owners.  The group became rather large and it was decided that a rally for Drifter owners would be fun to do.  As people made plans to attend the rally, the first being in Prairie Du Chein, Wisconsin, meeting points were planned and groups rode most of the distance together.

I met Bob Wachtel through the group.  Bob lived in Dayton and came to Mansfield to meet myself and two other riders for the trip west. We connected immediately and became friends.  We would e-mail and get together to ride whenever we could.  A long distance friend, but a friend none the less.

I went through a divorce several years ago and the process left me a different person.  I fell out of touch with the Drifter group and most of my friends in Mansfield.  I moved to Shelby, changed jobs a couple times and finally got settled in with my new surroundings.  That’s when I decided to reconnect.

Doing research for the Drifter rally and it’s date and location for 2007, I discovered that Bob Wachtel died in September 2006.  He had been ill with heart problems for almost a year before passing away.

I didn’t know he was sick.

Don’t lose touch with people that mean a great deal to you.  If you don’t hear from them, take the initiative.  Losing someone and finding out too late leaves an emptiness in you that cannot be filled.

I miss Bob. And I didn’t get to say, “Good Bye”.

It’s a classic line from comedians when the audience isn’t reacting to the comics’ jokes, but it applies here too.  Several people have registered as users but I have received no comments on anything that’s been posted.

I’m curious; are the postings here worth the trouble to get to them?  Are there topics I could or should be offering for discussion?

I’ll likely keep posting - maybe even regularly - but I’d like to hear from you.

Thanks!
-BN-

It’s spring. What a wonderful time of year.  I’m reasonably sure you’ve alreeady been reminded, but two things happened yesterday that prompted this posting.

My wife, Lesli, was driving in downtown Shelby on her way home from an errand and was approaching a traffic light that had just turned green for Lesli’s lane when a young boy on a bicycle darted out in front of her.  Thankfully, she was only going about 5 mph and was able to react quickly to avoid a sad story.

I finally got the motorcycle out Sunday.  Lesli and I had a great day riding down through Millersburg and back through Howard and Fredericktown.  A great day was almost ruined by a thoughtless, impatient driver passing us and the car ahead and nearly colliding head-on with oncoming traffic.

Things change in the springtime.  Our attention should be one of them.

Be safe……

-BN-

A recent Dear Abby column:

MOURNER WHO PAYS RESPECTS IS ASKED TO BUY SOMETHING ELSE

DEAR ABBY: Within the last two months, my dear 75-year-old friend, “Margery,” lost her 51-year-old daughter and her 29-year-old granddaughter to cancer. (They were mother and daughter.)

At the funeral home there was a table at the entrance to the viewing room with a printed card asking for your name, address and phone number if you wanted to receive an obituary and memorial card encased in plastic. (I did.)

Two days after the funeral, I received a call from the funeral home asking me what my thoughts were about the funeral. I told the man I had been to many funerals in my life, but had never been called and asked my thoughts about any of them. However, since he was asking, I told him I had been upset to hear from Margery that he tried to charge her $1,000 more for her granddaughter’s wake then he did for the daughter’s identical wake.

And then, this insensitive jerk proceeded to ask me if I had any thoughts about making “prearrangements” for my OWN demise and funeral! Abby, I couldn’t believe my ears! A funeral home trolling for business from grieving friends and relatives of the deceased mother and daughter two days after the granddaughter’s funeral? And to use the signed book (to receive memorials) for names, addresses and phone numbers to “promote business” is, in my eyes, unconscionable! Your thoughts, please. — DORIS L. IN FLORIDA

DEAR DORIS: Just when I think I have seen it all, a letter like yours lands on my desk. Whether the person who called you was the funeral director or a salesman, that person is his own worst enemy. Margery should consider herself fortunate that he didn’t approach any mourners who appeared to be under the weather and try to sign them up then and there.

If this call really happened two days after the funeral, then I agree that it was wrong.  People need time to recoup after a death and two days isn’t enough.

From the funeral home’s perspective, I can understand trying to obtain leads for preplanned funerals, but it really isn’t all about the money.  At least not here.

We advance plan funerals for people but have never gotten very aggressive about it.  We try to let people know that setting things up ahead of time is much, much easier for everyone involved and that there are monetary incentives for the purchaser; tomorrow’s funeral at today’s price.  But, anyone that wants to plan ahead should do so, even if you choose to let the estate cover your funeral costs.

Please don’t let the above article dissuade you from planning your funeral.  When it comes to that time, your family will appreciate more than you can imagine.

-BN-

On March 22 we said good bye to a co-worker Donna Armstrong. Donna had been with us four four years, serving as our office assistant. Donna and her husband Paul had dreamed of moving up by Lake Erie and are now fulfilling this dream. I had the privilage of working with Donna for nine months. The first day I met Donna, she made me feel so welcome here. It’s not easy moving to a new town and starting out a new career and Donna made it easier.

Donna, we miss you and wish the best for you. Thanks for all your hard work. We’ve all enjoyed working with and appreciate everything you’ve done.

Andrea

The death certificate: proof that someone is no longer here.  If you consider the weight of that, it’s no wonder they’re hard to process.

Death certificates (DCs) are almost always started at the funeral home.  Information on the DC includes, but is not limited to, full name, including middle name, address, usual occupation, mother’s maiden name, fathers name, birth place, birth date, veteran information, cause of death and physician.

It’s that last part that makes it interesting.  Most of the time, the person was being treated for some condition and their family doctor takes care of the signature required.  It’s the sudden death that gets challenging.  We recently had a person use the funeral home that passed away in the emergency room in another city.  Emergency room doctors are extremely hesitant to sign the DC; after all, they only just met.  In this case, the coroner was involved too, which actually made things more interesting.

My first call was to the hospital.  The ER doctor from the previous night was not on during this particular day, so I asked the nurse whether that doctor would be signing the DC.  They don’t do that was the basic response.  The ER nurse suggested that I call the coroner.  I talked to the coroner and yes, he remembered being consulted, but he didn’t actually go to the hospital so, no, he wouldn’t be signing it either.  Perhaps I should call the family doctor, he said.  The family doctor said that the onset of the condition was not something she had diagnosed so, no….I don’t think I’m willing to sign it either.

Somehow, I was the tennis ball in this three-way match.  And all of these calls were of the long distance variety.  With the requisite “Please hold” times included.  Grrr.

Ultimately the coroner played the part of the father and convinced the family doctor begrudgingly to sign the certificate.

Did I mention that the doctor can’t use blue ink?  Or write dates in the 03/31/07 format? And that they have to specify what caused the death…..AND what led to the thing that led to the death? And for how long the thing that led to the thing lasted?  And that any error on any of those things starts the whole process over again?

To add excitement to the mix, the state of Ohio now requires that DCs are created on line.  Funeral Directors as a group don’t do things on line.

Just another day behind the scenes at a funeral home.